Hello and goodbye... my experience of baby loss.

This is my story about miscarriage and baby loss, how my experiences affected me and what I did to help myself get through the pain and grief, both physically and mentally. I am writing this so people who go through the same traumatic experience do not feel alone, but I also acknowledge that everyone deals with grief differently.

After my losses, I was so shocked at how this was never talked about - the number of people that would come forward and tell me they had a miscarriage too. It is almost like speaking about your baby loss is a crime, or should be kept a secret, which makes grieving so much harder. You keep it all bottled up and it makes you feel so alone.

My first experience of a missed miscarriage...

Me and my now husband have sadly been through two losses. It did not take us long to conceive our first pregnancy and we were over the moon! We could not wait to tell people! We ended up telling family and friends before the 12 week “safe zone”, because we were too excited. We could not believe what was happening and how we would get to be parents to our own little bundle of joy. Until one day…

Everything was going fine. We booked a private scan to see our little baby at 10 weeks. During this scan, all we heard was silence. This silence was gut wrenching. The sonographer told us she could not find a heartbeat and it was as if the world just stopped around us. The silence was so loud. I was unfortunately experiencing a missed miscarriage, which is basically where the baby sadly dies, but your body does not recognise this yet.

We were both heartbroken, devastated, confused, angry. Why was this happening? Was it my fault? Did I do something? Is this real or could they be wrong? The trauma didn’t even end there, as I had to go to the hospital and have tablets put inside of me to help my body pass our baby. After a horrible recovery, we were left devastated having to tell people we had lost our baby. Although my friends and family were really supportive it felt really lonely. Questions were unanswered because it was too early, and it was just seen as one of those things. Nobody talks about miscarriage…well that is, until they do!

My first experience of “late miscarriage”...

It took around one year before me and my husband started trying again, although when we did, we did not track everything like with our first, we just let be what would be. One day we were cooking - I opened a packet of minced meat and immediately heaved. It smelt disgusting, as if it were off. My partner could not smell what I was smelling. I was very confused, until I remembered someone telling me that this was a symptom of their pregnancy. I thought surely not - we haven’t really done it… you know… enough LOL. To our surprise, I was pregnant again. I cried; I was so scared. Time went on and we had early private scans - all was looking good. I had my midwife appointments and was seen as low risk. I had the dreaded sickness until around 14 weeks of pregnancy, but we had passed the 12 week “safe zone”. We were over the moon, starting to feel excited about our little baby and we announced it to the world! It felt so surreal to get this far. I thought we were safe.

IT’S A BOY!!!! We found this out at around 16 weeks. This was the best feeling. We were both so happy. We were buying baby clothes, planning our baby’s room, saving money, planning my baby shower. We couldn’t believe it. We felt our baby boy moving and kicking, which was such an amazing experience. I really connected with my little baby;  he was my world, and we were so excited to meet him.

When I was around 21 weeks pregnant, we went on a family holiday to Wales. I loved Wales - I used to go every year as a child. Unfortunately, I woke up one morning with the worst pains, which just kept getting worse, to the point my mom called for an ambulance. I was screaming in pain. Then boom… my waters broke, and the pain stopped. The ambulance could not be with us for hours. The panic set in. I was terrified, my partner was terrified, my mom was terrified. We had no idea what was happening or why.

I was driven to the hospital by my mom’s partner, with my husband and my mom by my side. I had to sit in A&E for what felt like forever, in a hospital and place I did not know; it was not my home. When I was eventually called, I remember walking to the nurse and leaving a trail of fluid behind me. I was finally taken to the ward. It was quiet, there was nobody else in the beds. Luckily, I had my partner and my mom with me. I was seen by a doctor, who completed a scan and a few other examinations. We saw our baby boy and we saw his heart beating. I cried because he was alive, but little did I know, my baby was coming. There was nothing I could do about it, and nothing they could do to save him because at 21+1 weeks he was too early, too small, too delicate.

That evening, I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy Oakley. He was so perfect; he was beautiful and so tiny. He looked peaceful. The midwife lay him next to us and all I could do was stare at him. His perfect little nose, his lips, his ears. Just perfect. He was a long baby just like his parents – even the midwife asked where I was hiding him! We stayed with him all night, we had photos, we held him, took foot and handprints, wrapped him in his blanket and gave him a little teddy bear.

The following morning arrived, when it was time for us to leave. Not only was my body weak, bleeding and trying to heal from birth, but we had to leave our baby behind. We had to walk out of that room, leaving him all alone, not knowing what they would do with him. It was the worst feeling ever. I broke down. I felt so cruel leaving him; I felt like what I was doing was so wrong. That is my baby, and I am leaving him alone in a different country… we weren’t even at home!

I must say, the midwives were absolutely amazing. They really did look after me, so I knew our Oakley would be in good hands, but it still felt so wrong. It was like we had lost him all over again. Our world was crushed. What was the point in life anymore? I would never get to see or feel my baby ever again. That was it. He was gone. One thing that was forgotten, that made the healing process so much harder, was that my milk came in. I was not warned of this and didn’t even think about this, so when it happened, I was absolutely devastated. I learned after that they could have given me a medication to stop this from happening, but this was forgotten. My body was trying to provide for my baby, my baby who was no longer here with me.

You have probably noticed how I put late miscarriage in quotations in my subtitle. This did not feel like a miscarriage; this did not feel the same as our first loss. This was so different. I used to, and still do, feel so angry when it gets referred to as a late miscarriage. I felt my baby kick and move. I gave birth to my baby. I held my baby. I have my baby’s ashes and was offered a funeral. I was probably being selfish, but my baby was so much more. Please do not get me wrong though; any stage of loss is horrible and so cruel, and you should never be made to feel like your loss is not important, because it is!

Another term I put in quotations was the 12 weeks “safe zone”. I no longer believe in this. To me there is no safe zone, not now. You feel as though you are forced to keep your pregnancy a secret until you pass this zone, but why? I feel we should celebrate pregnancies, as soon as you would like too! I feel like it would be worse losing a baby and no one knowing you were even pregnant in the first place. Do what feels right for you and your family; nobody else.

A little about grief and how I got through it...

I will be honest and say this is one of the worst experiences a human can experience. This really destroys people’s worlds. It lives with you forever. I wouldn’t really say you ever get over it, because I never have, but you just learn to grieve with life and you learn to live with grief, if that makes sense. I think about my babies every single day without fail but I am ok with that. I picture my boys’ face all the time and he was beautiful. I have an angel necklace for my babies, and I also have some small tattoos dedicated to my Oakley.

We initially took ourselves away from social media after we had told people. We thought it would be best. I just felt so lonely and broken. I felt so numb. I would just sit there and cry, wanting my Oakley back. It was incredibly hard to come to terms with the fact that he is gone forever.

We had baby items all around that house that we had been collecting. I would sit and stare at the baby swing in the living room, sat there. Empty. The thoughts in my head were frightening. I blamed myself for the loss of our boy. They could never really tell us why, other than that there was a bleed on the placenta, which caused it to come away and force me into labour. We did not know what caused the bleed, so I blamed myself. We were told that our baby was perfect and that there was nothing wrong with him; he was growing just fine. In a cruel way, this hurt me more, because it was my body that let him down! This was going round in my head constantly.

When I eventually went back onto social media, I would see pregnancy announcements and cry. It was so much harder because these announcements were so close to home. It was so hard because I was happy for them, but deep down It was killing me.

I even had friends who were pregnant at the same time as me and seeing them bring their babies into this world… well I will admit, I felt like crap! These were my friends… what was wrong with me? Nothing was wrong with me; grieving is normal. I now know  this, but seeing other people have happy families and successful pregnancies was so hard. That should have been me, that should have been us and our little family. Why me, why us? I felt guilty for my partner, for not being able to give him a living child. There is so much that goes through your head when you are grieving the loss of your baby.

I was lucky - I had the most amazing family around me, who supported me and my partner every step of the way. I would often cry alone, but I would also reach out to people, if I really needed too.

I hated social media, but this was only because I kept seeing pregnancy announcements. I hated it until I discovered some Facebook groups. I joined a few, one being ‘Tommy’s | Pregnancy, TTC, and Parenting After Loss Support Group’ and another being ‘Rainbows After A Storm – TTC, Pregnancy and Babies After Loss’. These groups, I can say, are truly amazing. There are hundreds and thousands of members, who have all been through baby loss. These groups are safe spaces for women to talk about their losses. Reading people’s stories weirdly helped me. I knew I was not alone. Everyone is so kind. It made me feel comfortable with talking about my losses. You can even post anonymously, if you don’t want people to know who you are. I must say though, there are a lot of very upsetting stories, which can be hard to read, but you find yourself sharing your own experience and helping these complete strangers, which feels good.

This gave me the courage and confidence to talk about my losses in the real world; to family, to friends and sometimes even to strangers! I now feel pride when talking about my Oakley. I love telling people about him. I love creating awareness. I wish people did speak about baby loss more. We should not have to hide it, because it makes people feel uncomfortable. Our babies were real - they were there, no matter how early or how late your loss was. They all mean something, and they are all so special. I found that when you lose a baby, people often don’t know what to say or what to do, which I 100% understand. This is where charities like Tommy’s or Sands come into place, as they offer advice on how to help someone you know who is going through baby loss.

Saving babies' lives - Charity for Babies | Tommy's (tommys.org)

Sands | Saving babies' lives. Supporting bereaved families.

I do not want people to feel alone. We should not feel alone when going through one of the most traumatic experiences.

One thing me and my partner did was walk 25 miles in the winter (Winter Walk) to raise money for Sands charity. This was incredibly hard, but so rewarding. We completed this walk in memory of our Oakley and of course our first angel is always there. We completed this challenge and managed to raise a whopping £605!! Doing this helped keep our baby’s memory alive, helped the Sands charity and helped us emotionally. If you are considering doing anything like this, both Tommy’s and Sands have different challenges and ways to raise money going all the time! We even donated again to Sands charity, by purchasing their baby loss awareness ribbon badges for our wedding to use as favours; seeing people wear these made us so happy.

Please, don't forget about the fathers. Although they did not carry the pregnancy, it is their baby too, their loss too. They are grieving too. You must work together to get through and support each other. It can be easy for people to forget about the fathers; ask if they are doing okay too.

Trying again…

Nobody talks about how hard it is to trust your body again, when you feel it has let you down at the most crucial time. Everything I was afraid of happening, happened. It terrifies me to try again, but I know I am destined to be a mommy, and I want to make my husband a father, because I know he will be a great one. We just have to relax as well as we can and get the support we need. There is not much I can say on this at this moment in time, as it is only the beginning of this journey for us. However, I am being loud with the doctors - I will be making sure I get the help and support I need for when the time comes. I will not be quiet. It is going to be one tough and scary journey, but look at what we have come through already! We can do anything, and I am feeling hopeful.

One of my favourite poems…

As many of you know, this month is baby loss awareness month. I wanted to share my story, in the hope that this will help others going through baby loss. You are not alone! Please talk to someone, do not bottle your feelings - It is OK to be sad, it is OK to feel down and to feel depressed. It is OK.